Back at the famous book publisher in the late 90s:
The Director of Production, Roberta, resigned and some of my coworkers spent a good portion of their time planning the ultimate send off. Now, we all have different ideas when it comes to parties. What one person thinks is a fabulous party, someone else might find to be as enjoyable as a root canal. However, the overall party objective should be to make sure the party guests enjoy themselves and have fun. Well, this party was so ridiculously absurd and packed full of over-the-top schmaltz, that I've never forgotten it and most likely never will.
I should have known what was in store, as leading up to the party, the entire department put together a scrapbook for Roberta. Everyone was given their own page to design. Most people's pages were full of wonderful work memories and sappy poems about friendship and good byes and all of those other emotions invented by Hallmark to sell more cards. Mine was classic. I peeled a Bud Light label from a bottle of beer (empty, of course) and pasted it in the middle of my page. Then, from the bottom of my heart, I came up with these meaningful words: "It won't be the same without you here. Who's going to tease me about drinking beer? I wish you the best in all that you do. And remember, this Bud's for you." I signed my name at the bottom and placed it in the scrapbook with pride.
On party day, it all began in the top floor conference room with a "visiting hour." I walked in and immediately felt a funeral vibe. People were all dressed up and lumped together in groups of 4 or 5. Classical music played in the background, while the guests sampled mixed nuts and finger foods. Everyone was remembering their favorite work memories of Roberta and nobody's voice rose above a whisper. It was very odd and creepy. And it only got worse from there.
After the visiting hour, we had a catered lunch. Catered lunches were a big deal back then. When I say catered, I don't mean boxed lunches from the neighborhood deli complete with fruit and a cookie. I'm talking wedding reception food, if you were to hold your reception at the Elk's Club. The room was even set up like a wedding reception, and seated at the center of the head table was Roberta, all decked out in her party outfit, including a new, shiny tiara and sash(!).
Seated all around Roberta were her well-trained office lackeys who shed tears on command. You would have thought the CEO had just announced the company was bankrupt and we were all officially unemployed the way some of these pathetic individuals carried on. I kept looking around to see if anyone else found this whole scene disturbing, and it appeared like most people were paying close attention, their serious faces firmly on. And it definitely didn't seem like anyone was having fun.
And where was I during the lunch festivities? At a table near the back, provoking laughter at the most touching moments and cracking jokes at inappropriate times. If you ask me, a going away party should always include a keg and a juggler.
Just for the record, my best Roberta memory involves her telling the department "Our new policy is conform or die!" I zoned out for a moment and actually pictured myself being killed by a firing squad in the break room for refusing to conform.
After the visiting hour, we had a catered lunch. Catered lunches were a big deal back then. When I say catered, I don't mean boxed lunches from the neighborhood deli complete with fruit and a cookie. I'm talking wedding reception food, if you were to hold your reception at the Elk's Club. The room was even set up like a wedding reception, and seated at the center of the head table was Roberta, all decked out in her party outfit, including a new, shiny tiara and sash(!).
Seated all around Roberta were her well-trained office lackeys who shed tears on command. You would have thought the CEO had just announced the company was bankrupt and we were all officially unemployed the way some of these pathetic individuals carried on. I kept looking around to see if anyone else found this whole scene disturbing, and it appeared like most people were paying close attention, their serious faces firmly on. And it definitely didn't seem like anyone was having fun.
And where was I during the lunch festivities? At a table near the back, provoking laughter at the most touching moments and cracking jokes at inappropriate times. If you ask me, a going away party should always include a keg and a juggler.
Just for the record, my best Roberta memory involves her telling the department "Our new policy is conform or die!" I zoned out for a moment and actually pictured myself being killed by a firing squad in the break room for refusing to conform.
She is also the same person who once made working every Saturday mandatory and said the only acceptable excuses for not being able to work were "You better be dead or getting married. Otherwise, you will be here working."
So why, exactly, was everyone in tears over her departure? I'm still wondering, 10+ years later...
So why, exactly, was everyone in tears over her departure? I'm still wondering, 10+ years later...
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