Food Horror Stories from the Office

So, a long time ago, right out of college, I was a coffee drinker. I would drink my morning coffee at work, poured from the community coffee pot, into my favorite coffee mug, and happily start my day. When I was done with my coffee, I would wash my mug at the community sink and set it on my desk to dry. The community sink was shared by the entire first floor. The sink had one of those sponges that was attached to a handle filled with soap. I used that sponge every day for almost two years.

One morning, I arrived at work a little earlier that usual. I walked down the hall, past the sink, and happened to glance over and see one of the proofreaders at the sink. She was washing her fish bowl. She was washing her fish bowl WITH THE SPONGE THAT WAS ATTACHED TO A HANDLE FILLED WITH SOAP!

I stopped and stared and pictured what that fish bowl had looked like the day before when I had been in her cube. Let's just say that it was nearly impossible to see from one side of the bowl to the other because it was so cloudy with fish poop and slime. And then I started to dry heave and nearly tossed up my Cheerios.

And that is why I stopped drinking coffee for several years. I kept seeing fish bowl floaties in my coffee and I just couldn't drink it. Is there a moral to the story? I think it would have to be to use extreme caution when utilizing any kind of "community" anything at the office.

I've always been very bewildered by the lunch stealers at the office. You know, the people who help themselves to whatever they want in the 'fridge. I mean really, how the heck do you know what you're getting?! And then you have the annoying people who reheat fish in the microwave and make the entire building smell like Shedds Aquarium. And how can anyone forget the smell of burned microwave popcorn? How hard is it to cook microwave popcorn appropriately? Very, apparently. That's a smell that tends to linger. For days.

Speaking of the microwave, what about the people who put their lunch in the microwave and then disappear? I remember when I lived in the dorm at college and the unwritten rule was if you left your laundry in the washer or dryer, it was fair game. Does the same rule apply to Lean Cuisines in the office microwave?

One of my favorite work food stories involves the case of the disappearing fruit. Whenever I would leave a piece of fruit in my cube, it would always be gone the next morning. And it wasn't just me, it was happening to all of my coworkers. We finally figured out that it had to be the cleaning crew. And that's when a brilliant idea popped into my head. A few years back, I had my wisdom teeth removed and for some reason, I had saved the giant plastic syringe that was included with my surgery. I filled the syringe with Tabasco sauce and injected an apple. I left it on my desk, feeling like the mean witch about to poison Snow White. Well, let's just say that the disappearing fruit stopped disappearing. Mystery solved.

Now that I have my own fish bowl, I have regular flashbacks to the sponge incident. I think The Husband is lucky enough to hear the story every single time he cleans the fish bowl. It kind of gives a whole new meaning to sponge worthy...