And You Thought Your Coworkers Were Nuts...

I'm digging deep into the vault tonight to present the ultimate cast of characters. Once upon a time, before I worked at Prison Media, I worked for a famous book publisher in the Midwest. And believe me, my coworkers were the wackiest bunch of wackos anyone can imagine. Some days I actually wondered if I was part of some secret TV show, like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show, where everybody but me was in on the joke.

These are a few of my favorites, real names have been replaced:

Greg: Gay man who collected Barbies. He would be perfect on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy because of his fashion and grooming sense. One day he came to work and announced that he would be wearing a “uniform” from here on out. His uniform consisted of a white, long sleeve, button down shirt, khaki pants, black socks and black shoes. And for the rest of his days at the company, that is exactly what he wore, rain, snow, 90 degree days with high humidity, he always wore his uniform.

Ted: My second best work friend with the best ears in the building. Sexual orientation unknown. He literally invented the phrase "prairie dogging" which is the act of popping up over the cube wall to eavesdrop on a co-worker. Also the office mooch. He'd eat anything. Germs were not a factor.

Ed: The goofiest guy I've ever know. He was a total sports nut who organized a betting pool for everything. He also coined the term "Troff" which means time to eat and must be screamed, not spoken. He was also the coupon authority. And he did a perfect Squiggy impersonation. And his wardrobe? Someone once wondered aloud if Troff Boy owned any pants that zipped. He was a huge fan of TIGHT sweatpants, so the whole building always knew “how it was hanging” so to speak. This guy had a huge heart and he would never allow you to be bummed. He also housed a hilarious quote wall that could be a separate book.

Matilda: She had to be the oldest woman in the building. Either that, or she was 40 and looked 65, like an elementary school lunch lady. She was also the department narc and liked to record when her co-workers arrived, when they took lunch and how long that lunch lasted, who they spoke to on the phone and the length of the conversation, and what time they checked out for the day.

Bill: Resident psycho. There's one in every office and he deserves the honor at my company. Ever see Primal Fear? He is the main character. He can change personalities so quickly, it's terrifying. And, nobody's problems can compete with his. No matter how horrible your life is, he can top it.

Darcy: On the surface, she seemed naïve and quiet. Look a little closer, however, and you got the real Darcy. She used to smoke pot in the bathroom with a one-hitter pipe and she was mixed up with some pretty shady, decadent stuff. I think her boyfriend was really her pimp. The funny thing about her is one day she quit and moved to Salt Lake City, which always seemed to me like the last place she would want to be. An Amish person would be more at home in Vegas than Darcy would be in Mormon Country.

Kandi: Our fearless, backstabbing leader, who had no control and earned zero respect. She barely waited until you were out of her office before she started gossiping about you. Look up moody in the dictionary and you’ll see Kandi. She had a certain glare and when you got the glare from her, you wanted to crawl under your desk and die.

Debbie: White trash in nice clothes. Enough said. She is somebody who would kick your ass at a NASCAR race for bad mouthing her favorite driver. The term rough around the edges is too kind for her. She is the worst kind of white trash: The kind who doesn’t realize she is straight out of the trailer park. Oh, and her office was decorated with dolphins. They were everywhere.

Laney: The female Beeker. She is the oddest person I have ever encountered. She wears moon boots to work and talks to herself. I'm convinced she has imaginary friends. Here's a sample of one of her bizarre emails: "yesterday after work i went to the Dairy Queen at 71st and 37, but it was closed. Don't know if this is just a temporary problem, or one with more permanent implications; but i wanted to share with others, just in case. thank you."

Carlton: Resident stoner. This guy showed up to work in the morning too stoned to speak. At lunch he'd go out to his car and smoke up some more. By the end of the day, his cube was littered with fast food wrappers and he had a permanent smirk on his face.

Marvin: Resident Black Panther. He used his cubicle to run his own business that printed literature on black power. He talked on the phone so much that he ordered a headset from Office Depot, which was interesting considering that our job required little, if no, outside communication. He also came up with the most creative excuses as to why he couldn't work. My favorite: "My head hurts so bad I can't see. I think I'm going blind."