Potty Talk

Once upon a time at Prison Media, a now notorious email was sent to the entire company. The email was all about the bathroom and I still laugh out loud whenever I read it. (Snippets published at the end of this post.)

We all have corporate America bathroom stories. It's unavoidable. For the sake of taste, I won't go into much detail regarding what goes on in the bathroom. But I will say that one of my ultimate pet peeves is people who don't wash their hands after using the restroom. For example, if I'm in a stall and someone in the stall next to me flushes and promptly exits the bathroom without stopping at the sink, I spend the rest of the day wondering who the hell that was. And is that person going to hand me a piece of paper later with their unwashed hands? And, for the record, I'm not a germaphobe. I stood in ankle deep sewage and vomit on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras and lived to tell about it.

I remember the day when the plungers appeared in every bathroom stall. They almost screamed "We can no longer afford to pay a plumber, so if you plug up the toilet, fix it." Sorry, but I draw the line at fixing the work toilet.

I also started to notice the quality of toilet paper decreasing on a daily basis. It was almost like the company bought in bulk at a Home Depot sandpaper sale. Ouch.

(On a side note, I recently spotted a roll of Charmin in the Husband's work bag. When I inquired as to why he's hoarding toilet paper, he explained to me how awful the toilet paper is at his company, which resulted in this conversation:)

Me (giant smirk on my face): "You don't walk down the hall, toting the roll of Charmin, right?"

Husband (clearly annoyed): "NO! I tear some off and put it in my pocket."

Me: "Good to know." (And thinking to myself how much that conversation resembled the "Spare a Square" Seinfeld episode.)

Then there was the time the entire building smelled like raw sewage and a company-wide email went out warning employees not to light matches in the bathroom. Talk about explosive consequences! Imagine that news story...

So, here are the best lines from a REAL email dated Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Subject line: Building Maintenance Issues

OK folks, I've had it — with all of you!!!!

It's only Tuesday and I've already had to call the plumbers twice. Yes, that's right, twice. Once for the garbage disposal in the cafe and once for a clogged toilet in the ladies bathroom on the first floor.

And while I'm on the subject of bathrooms…how hard is it for you all to wipe up the water that you spill on the counter???? Or pick up that piece of toilet paper that you ripped off the roll and it fell to the floor? Ladies, it looks like a public restroom you might find at a truck stop!

And while I'm on the subject of pigs…let's talk about keeping the cafe clean, shall we??? Please DO NOT leave your dirty dishes in the sink, even for five minutes while you run to the bathroom (because then you'll forget about your dirty dishes while you're happily slopping water on the counter and sneaking out before anyone can see you).

Here's the rules:

1. Don't use so darned much toilet paper…if you must, then do it two or three loads.
2. Don't flush paper towels or your "feminine hygiene products" down the toilet. If you need a further explanation, please call me.
3. Don't slop water on the counters. If you do, then wipe it up.
4. If you don't do the three above, the next stop is port-a-potties in the parking lot.

Those are the best parts. After this email blasted into my Inbox, I really wanted to get a further explanation on items 1 and 2. That conversation could have been a YouTube instant classic! I also remember how juvenile and fun it became to splash water all over the counters and then sneak out of the bathroom. (Yes, I admit to being juvenile.) I still think it's the funniest email I received in 15 years in corporate America. I wonder if the author remembers writing it?