Horrendous Holiday Parties

So, I've been to more awful work Christmas parties (aka "Holiday" parties if you want to be PC about it) than I can remember. And once I got married, I then had to attend the Husband's parties, too. And his parties were almost as bad as mine. Almost.

My favorite holiday party was held at a country western bar. With a line-dancing coach. And the rarest prime rib ever served to humans. As the Husband said "Coyotes wouldn't have touched that meat. Even vultures would have kept on going." And he's so not exaggerating. The prime rib literally floated in a pool of blood on the dinner plates. I'm surprised everyone in attendance didn't come down with a killer case of e coli.

A close runner-up would be the Husband's party in 2004. I was 9-months pregnant and gave birth a mere 6 days after the party. His boss, Fur Coat Fashionista, had picked the biggest dive imaginable to host the party. It was a restaurant in the 'hood with a small banquet room, meant for 30 people. Well, 50+ people ended up smashed into that room. And the staff seemed so overwhelmed that one had to wonder whether or not they had been informed about the party. It took 3 hours to get our food. And by then, every single person, with the exception of my pregnant self, was drunk. Wasted. And starving. And wouldn't you know it, the very last person served their dinner was me. I mean really, how does the hugely pregnant woman not get served first? And by the end of the party, my feet were so hideously swollen that I had to drive home in my socks. Awesome. Oh, and the bathroom was so small, that I could barely fit in and close the door. And I was seated in the middle of a very long table and on each of my 17 trips to the bathroom during the night, I managed to knock over drinks, silverware, napkins and anything else that was in my path.

The year after that disaster of a party, the Husband talked me into attending his party again. And just like the year before, location, location, location was an issue. The venue this time was this dark, out-of-the-way, "Good Fellas" type of hole-in-the-wall. It was so far out of the way, that everyone had to stay at a hotel and take a shuttle bus. It was almost like we weren't allowed to know where the hell we were going. When we arrived and asked for menus, we were told by one of the servers "We don't have menus here. We'll verbally tell you the choices." Um, OK. So, once given the choices, everyone ordered and then the manager came out and dropped this bombshell: "Too many people ordered the surf and turf and we don't have enough lobsters. So, each couple can only have one order of surf and turf. The other person needs to order something else. And we're also out of the filet. Thanks." Thank God they didn't run out of beer. Or wine. Or Jack Daniels. Whew.

Another fabulous party involved an "Around the World" food theme. I think it would be safe to say that you don't have to travel the world to taste really crappy food. And it is entirely possible to ruin tiramisu. And tortellini. One coworker ordered a pizza when he got home because he was starving. This was also the party where I swear a coworker wore her prom dress. From 1982.

The last holiday party I attended was in 2008. It was a family party, so the whole family went. As luck would have it, Boss was dressed up like Santa and I had to watch in horror as my daughter sat on his lap and told him what she wanted for Christmas. Granted, he wasn't my boss at the time, but he was definitely an ass at the time, so the whole experience nearly ruined my Christmas.

This year, I'm going to host my own Christmas party. High school formal wear will not be required and I guarantee the food will be awesome, or at least fully cooked and plentiful. And keg stands are welcome. See you in December!