My Biggest Email Blunder...EVER!

When I started working at my first corporate job back in 1995, I was given my very own email account. This was a big deal for me, as I started that job as a temp (more on that to come in a later post) and I'd never had an email account before. Since I've been poking fun at others for their email mishaps, I thought I better share my own. 'Cause if you can't laugh at yourself...

One of the first books I was assigned to work on at my new job was Investing For People Who Aren't Too Smart. (That's not the actual title, but anyone who thinks about it for a second can figure out where I once worked. Hint: Think black and yellow.) The title was shortened to Invest FP for all email correspondence. Well, I was about two weeks into my new position and I had to email the team assigned to this title. I typed up my email, with Invest FP as the subject line. I hit send and then, a few minutes later, I was absolutely mortified to see the responses coming in. When the first reply came in, I immediately noticed the subject line of "Incest FP." OMG, who would do that, that's so not funny, was my first thought. Then, my brain actually kicked into action and I realized what I had done! How could I have done that?! I looked down at the keyboard and the "C" and "V" keys are right next to each other, so it was an honest mistake, but still...

It was a running joke for a couple of weeks and then it faded away, thank God! I did notice that I was not assigned to work on the Sex For People Who Aren't Too Smart book. Coincidence? To this day I still wonder.

The Promotion of Stupidity

One of the things that has always perplexed me in corporate America is the rewarding of stupidity. I like to call it the Promotion of Stupidity and it's running rampant in corporate America.

This is how it works: If you do something completely stupid and ridiculous, it is almost guaranteed that an email announcing your promotion will be circulating the company before too long. It's almost like being rewarded for sucking at your job.

Another thing I still haven't figured out is why corporations promote people when they don't know what else to do with them. Doesn't it seem obvious what you should do with someone that isn't needed?

I especially love the "What Do I Do?" promotion. This is when you have a coworker and nobody has a clue what that person does. Every company, heck more like every department of every company, has a person like this. And the crazy thing? The what-do-I-do people seem to be on the constant up-and-up. It's almost like companies make up job titles to accommodate this category of employees. And what's really interesting to me is that when these phony promotions are announced, a job opening for the previous position is never announced along with it. What does that tell you? How about this: That person doesn't need to be replaced because they don't do anything. See? It all makes perfect sense.

I worked under this one manager who had the opposite of the Midas Touch: Everything this person touched turned into budget deficit garbage. But yet, this person kept moving up. And up. And this really made me wonder if the company was trying to fail. I mean, if we're a lead by example kind of society, and the appointed leader is a few seconds short of a minute, don't you have to wonder what the bigger picture is?

Of course there is a lot more to discuss on this subject, but I'm aware of the consequences. The question now is whether I want to continue digging myself into a hole with a shovel. Or, if I'm ready to switch to a backhoe...

Outsourced!

Recently, several people have brought to my attention that a new show will debut on NBC this fall. The show is called "Outsourced" and the title says it all. Of course I'm very interested in this show and I hope they have a team of informed writers. If not, I know where they can find one...

Reply All? PLEASE Don't!

As an avid emailer, I completely understand why the Reply All option was invented. What I will never understand, however, is why people use the Reply All option on company-wide emails. Do they just not realize the difference between Reply and Reply All? Or, do these individuals think the entire distribution list wants to hear their reasons for not being able to attend a company-wide meeting or event?

I have to think that more often than not, it's a mistake of epic, embarrassing proportions. The best is when multiple people hit Reply All, which usually prompts someone of authority to send out the scolding "Please don't use the reply all button" email to... yep, everyone. This has always been one of my biggest pet peeves in the corporate world. Case in point, my friend Steve Rock Star, who I haven't worked with since 1999, recently told me "For the record, every time we get a 'reply to all' on a company wide e-mail, I still mutter jackass."

Another email pet peeve is the failure to proofread before hitting the dreaded send button. Now, I'm not some weird, OCD lunatic who saves emails by the hundreds. But, I will admit that I have an archive, so to speak, of my all-time favorite emails. Some of them are not suitable to be reprinted, but the majority of them most definitely are, as was apparent with the infamous "Bathroom" email.

Here is another one of my all-time favorites, word for word, from the book publishing days:

Since Beth had suggested team members to come in earlier than normal time they come in so that we can bet any deadlines for packages to go out that day while UPS is on strike. I prefer meeting at 9:30 a.m. daily until communication gap is filled in, to discuss workload. See ya tomorrow morning!

When this appeared in my Inbox, I seriously read it about two dozen times. Finally, I asked for another interpretation from my former coworker, The Goof. I forwarded it to him with the very difficult question of "What the hell is she trying to say?"

And he responded with:

I honestly have no idea. I read it three times, and I think it has something to do with you guys driving for UPS while Beth suggests deadlines for team members' packages?

I think the sender of that email brings a whole new meaning to the UPS slogan "What can Brown do for you?"

Horrendous Holiday Parties

So, I've been to more awful work Christmas parties (aka "Holiday" parties if you want to be PC about it) than I can remember. And once I got married, I then had to attend the Husband's parties, too. And his parties were almost as bad as mine. Almost.

My favorite holiday party was held at a country western bar. With a line-dancing coach. And the rarest prime rib ever served to humans. As the Husband said "Coyotes wouldn't have touched that meat. Even vultures would have kept on going." And he's so not exaggerating. The prime rib literally floated in a pool of blood on the dinner plates. I'm surprised everyone in attendance didn't come down with a killer case of e coli.

A close runner-up would be the Husband's party in 2004. I was 9-months pregnant and gave birth a mere 6 days after the party. His boss, Fur Coat Fashionista, had picked the biggest dive imaginable to host the party. It was a restaurant in the 'hood with a small banquet room, meant for 30 people. Well, 50+ people ended up smashed into that room. And the staff seemed so overwhelmed that one had to wonder whether or not they had been informed about the party. It took 3 hours to get our food. And by then, every single person, with the exception of my pregnant self, was drunk. Wasted. And starving. And wouldn't you know it, the very last person served their dinner was me. I mean really, how does the hugely pregnant woman not get served first? And by the end of the party, my feet were so hideously swollen that I had to drive home in my socks. Awesome. Oh, and the bathroom was so small, that I could barely fit in and close the door. And I was seated in the middle of a very long table and on each of my 17 trips to the bathroom during the night, I managed to knock over drinks, silverware, napkins and anything else that was in my path.

The year after that disaster of a party, the Husband talked me into attending his party again. And just like the year before, location, location, location was an issue. The venue this time was this dark, out-of-the-way, "Good Fellas" type of hole-in-the-wall. It was so far out of the way, that everyone had to stay at a hotel and take a shuttle bus. It was almost like we weren't allowed to know where the hell we were going. When we arrived and asked for menus, we were told by one of the servers "We don't have menus here. We'll verbally tell you the choices." Um, OK. So, once given the choices, everyone ordered and then the manager came out and dropped this bombshell: "Too many people ordered the surf and turf and we don't have enough lobsters. So, each couple can only have one order of surf and turf. The other person needs to order something else. And we're also out of the filet. Thanks." Thank God they didn't run out of beer. Or wine. Or Jack Daniels. Whew.

Another fabulous party involved an "Around the World" food theme. I think it would be safe to say that you don't have to travel the world to taste really crappy food. And it is entirely possible to ruin tiramisu. And tortellini. One coworker ordered a pizza when he got home because he was starving. This was also the party where I swear a coworker wore her prom dress. From 1982.

The last holiday party I attended was in 2008. It was a family party, so the whole family went. As luck would have it, Boss was dressed up like Santa and I had to watch in horror as my daughter sat on his lap and told him what she wanted for Christmas. Granted, he wasn't my boss at the time, but he was definitely an ass at the time, so the whole experience nearly ruined my Christmas.

This year, I'm going to host my own Christmas party. High school formal wear will not be required and I guarantee the food will be awesome, or at least fully cooked and plentiful. And keg stands are welcome. See you in December!

The Great Lunch Dilemma

Lunch is a big deal in corporate America. Now that I'm not working, I can honestly say that one of the things I miss the most is lunch. Of course I still eat lunch, but lunch with a 3-year-old and 5-year-old, while highly entertaining, just isn't the same as lunch with coworkers.

I've always found it hilarious that the lunch discussion begins in the morning. Usually by 9 a.m., the plans are in the works, such as who is going and where are we going and who do we not want to join us. It always seemed so illegal to sneak down the hallway, without a word to anyone, to go to lunch without anyone noticing.

I'm sure all offices have the following people:

• The always inviting themselves along coworker. (Hence the need to sneak down the hallway.)
• The coworker who always wants you to "pick something up" for him or her. These are the people who manage to go entire months without leaving the building for lunch. It's almost like they eavesdrop all morning and then decide what they want picked up based on the options they indirectly hear. Even more annoying is when they give you a high-maintenance list of what they want, similar to Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. So, not only do you have to pick up lunch for someone, you now have to be completely embarrassed in the process.
• The mooch. You know, the person who is always a $1 short or "borrowing" change. This is usually the person who orders water and then sneaks a soda from the soda machine.
• The spy. This is the person who somehow ends up coming along and nobody feels good about it. So at lunch, there is no work discussion, as the spy's intentions are unclear.
• The clockwatcher. This is the person who constantly looks at their watch as a reminder to the rest of us to hurry up.
• The lunch packer. This is the person who brings their lunch, but is then persuaded to go out to lunch. I was usually that person, as leaving the building always trumped leftovers.

Once upon a time, I went to lunch with a coworker from the bookstore where I worked in college. We were standing in line at Taco Bell and I kept going on and on about what an idiot our boss was. I started to notice that my coworker wasn't saying anything. In fact, he was looking at me with a "Shut the hell up!" expression. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I was like "What, we're in Taco Bell, not Ruth's Chris!" I finally caught on and turned around to find the boss's husband in line behind us. "Hi, Kate" he quietly said. I wanted to disappear in the packets of hot sauce. Lesson learned. When out to lunch, always check the establishment for familiar faces before you start running your mouth.

At any rate, I sure would jump at the chance to ditch the kids and Kraft Mac-n-Cheese for lunch with some grown-ups. Any takers? Oh and Mentor, if you're reading this, in memory of our favorite lunch destination: UNCLE BOB!!!

Potty Talk

Once upon a time at Prison Media, a now notorious email was sent to the entire company. The email was all about the bathroom and I still laugh out loud whenever I read it. (Snippets published at the end of this post.)

We all have corporate America bathroom stories. It's unavoidable. For the sake of taste, I won't go into much detail regarding what goes on in the bathroom. But I will say that one of my ultimate pet peeves is people who don't wash their hands after using the restroom. For example, if I'm in a stall and someone in the stall next to me flushes and promptly exits the bathroom without stopping at the sink, I spend the rest of the day wondering who the hell that was. And is that person going to hand me a piece of paper later with their unwashed hands? And, for the record, I'm not a germaphobe. I stood in ankle deep sewage and vomit on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras and lived to tell about it.

I remember the day when the plungers appeared in every bathroom stall. They almost screamed "We can no longer afford to pay a plumber, so if you plug up the toilet, fix it." Sorry, but I draw the line at fixing the work toilet.

I also started to notice the quality of toilet paper decreasing on a daily basis. It was almost like the company bought in bulk at a Home Depot sandpaper sale. Ouch.

(On a side note, I recently spotted a roll of Charmin in the Husband's work bag. When I inquired as to why he's hoarding toilet paper, he explained to me how awful the toilet paper is at his company, which resulted in this conversation:)

Me (giant smirk on my face): "You don't walk down the hall, toting the roll of Charmin, right?"

Husband (clearly annoyed): "NO! I tear some off and put it in my pocket."

Me: "Good to know." (And thinking to myself how much that conversation resembled the "Spare a Square" Seinfeld episode.)

Then there was the time the entire building smelled like raw sewage and a company-wide email went out warning employees not to light matches in the bathroom. Talk about explosive consequences! Imagine that news story...

So, here are the best lines from a REAL email dated Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Subject line: Building Maintenance Issues

OK folks, I've had it — with all of you!!!!

It's only Tuesday and I've already had to call the plumbers twice. Yes, that's right, twice. Once for the garbage disposal in the cafe and once for a clogged toilet in the ladies bathroom on the first floor.

And while I'm on the subject of bathrooms…how hard is it for you all to wipe up the water that you spill on the counter???? Or pick up that piece of toilet paper that you ripped off the roll and it fell to the floor? Ladies, it looks like a public restroom you might find at a truck stop!

And while I'm on the subject of pigs…let's talk about keeping the cafe clean, shall we??? Please DO NOT leave your dirty dishes in the sink, even for five minutes while you run to the bathroom (because then you'll forget about your dirty dishes while you're happily slopping water on the counter and sneaking out before anyone can see you).

Here's the rules:

1. Don't use so darned much toilet paper…if you must, then do it two or three loads.
2. Don't flush paper towels or your "feminine hygiene products" down the toilet. If you need a further explanation, please call me.
3. Don't slop water on the counters. If you do, then wipe it up.
4. If you don't do the three above, the next stop is port-a-potties in the parking lot.

Those are the best parts. After this email blasted into my Inbox, I really wanted to get a further explanation on items 1 and 2. That conversation could have been a YouTube instant classic! I also remember how juvenile and fun it became to splash water all over the counters and then sneak out of the bathroom. (Yes, I admit to being juvenile.) I still think it's the funniest email I received in 15 years in corporate America. I wonder if the author remembers writing it?