A Royal Flush or a Pair of Twos?

I knew I needed to play my next cards right. And yet I don’t exactly have a poker face, so my next move was going to be challenging. While The Husband was very supportive, he really didn’t think I would do it and he kept cautioning “If you’re going to play the game, and they call your bluff, you have to be ready to walk. Don’t do it unless you’re prepared to walk out the door for good.”

I was fairly certain that they would give me more money. I was going to back them into a corner, so what else could they do? Of course, nothing would really surprise me at this point, so like the Husband said, I was ready to walk if they didn’t show me the money. I walked down the hall whistling Kenny Rogers’s “The Gambler” and thinking how I was ready to hold ‘em, fold ‘em or walk away. If this was up for betting on in Vegas, the odds would be in my favor, right?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Me: “So Boss, I’ve had two weeks to think this over and here’s the deal: If you want me to stay, I need a larger stay bonus. The bonus you’re offering isn’t exactly enticing me to stay. Knowing what’s ahead, and what the next three months are going to be like, I need a better offer.”

Boss (looking stunned, scared and pathetic): Well, I’m not sure that’s an option. Are you going to quit if I can’t get you the larger stay bonus?”

Me: “I’m not sure yet. Why don’t you see what you can do and I’ll make a decision by Friday.”

Boss: “I’ll have to take it back to the team and get back to you. I’ll have an answer for you right away.”

Looking back, I should have asked Boss to define “right away.” The day came to an end and I hadn’t heard one word from anyone.

The next morning, I received a call on my cell phone from a former coworker who had turned out to be one of my very best friends. I’ll call her the Mentor. A light bulb went off in my head instantly and I suddenly knew she wasn’t calling to see how my Thanksgiving was. And my suspicions were correct, as the conversation went like this:

Me: “Hey Mentor!”

Mentor: “Oh my God, what is going on over there at Prison Media?”

Me: “OK, who contacted you?!”

Mentor: “Boss. He sent me an email and offered me your job!”

Me: “What?! Are you freaking kidding me? Will you send me the email?”

Mentor: “Yep, I’m forwarding it right now.”

And here it is:
"Hi Long time no talk! How have you been? Your name came up the other day, we are making some changes in the production dept. (perhaps you have heard) and we may need some short-term help putting together the magazines. I know you have a full-time gig but just wanted to see if you might be interested in helping us out with Feb/March issues? Let me know what you think, I hope all's well!"

By the time I arrived at the office, I was so furious that I actually felt sorry for anyone who crossed paths with me. I have a legendary temper and when I lose it, you don’t want to be in the near vicinity. Trust me.

I figured that Boss owed me an explanation and he was going to regret the day he made this fatal error. Down the hallway I marched, like a soldier going to war. I spotted him at the end of the hall, standing in the Warden’s doorway. Queen Bee was standing there too, so it was the perfect setup. They saw me coming and I’m sure they could feel my rage.

Me: “What do you think you’re doing?”

Boss: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Why are you offering my job to someone else when I still work here?!”

Boss (completely stunned and caught so off guard he now had vertigo): “Uh, you know Mentor?”

Me: “That’s completely irrelevant. Why did you offer her my job?”

Queen Bee: “I think we need to step into my office to discuss this.”

Me: “Yes, let’s do that.”

We shuffled into Queen Bee’s office and sat down at a conference table. I was so visibly angry that any shot I had at negotiating was long gone. And my poker face? Yeah, it couldn’t be any clearer how absolutely on fire furious I was.

Queen Bee: “So, Boss told me this morning that you asked for a larger stay bonus.”

Me: “Why didn’t he tell you yesterday?”

Queen Bee: “Well, Boss tried to solve the problem on his own and he was way out of line sending an email to Mentor. When he told me he did that, I was prepared for this conversation, as I knew it would immediately get back to you.”

Boss (still looking stunned and confused): “I didn’t know that you knew Mentor.”

This is a fantastic indicator of just what a genius Boss is. Mentor and I shared an office for years and he would come to our office to talk to her about projects. Since I typically didn’t use my invisible superpowers at work, Boss was either the stupidest man alive or legally blind.

Queen Bee: “So, what do you have in mind for the stay bonus?”

Me: “You mean a number?”

Queen Bee: “Yes, I need a number.”

Me: “I want you to double it.”

Queen Bee: “I can’t do that.”

Me: “Then I can’t stay.”

Queen Bee: “Well, I guess I can take it all the way to the top and see if I can get an answer. It will most likely take all day.”

Me: “OK, see what you can do.”

Boss: “You do realize that if you leave you’re walking away from 3 more months of collecting your paycheck?”

Me (in the snottiest, bitchiest tone I could muster): Um yeah Boss, I realize that. I didn’t just wake up today and decide to do this.”

And with that, I left. I headed back to my office and I wasn’t sitting at my desk for more than 10 minutes when my phone rang. It was another former coworker, let’s call her Sweetness. And she dropped this bombshell: “Someone named Boss just called me and offered me your job.”

Over the next 30 minutes, I received multiple calls and emails from former coworkers who had been offered my job. The big picture was suddenly crystal clear. The Plan B had been hatched in the last 24 hours and it involved letting me walk and contacting everyone with a pulse who had ever worked at Prison Media with the hopes of finding someone to come in and play the role of clean-up batter.

Now what?