The End of the Beginning

My final week at the company was almost eerily uneventful. I was blissfully happy and I even agreed to give them some of the requested documentation. I could have written a 200-page manual covering everything I had learned in 10 years. But, I think we all knew that wasn’t going to happen. Instead, I gave them 5 pages of documentation: a ½ page for each year. Seems fair enough, right?

On Tuesday of my last week, HR Robot sent me a meeting request for my exit interview, where I would have the opportunity to speak my mind and officially sign my exit paperwork. My last day was Friday, December 11 and she scheduled the meeting for 11 a.m. that morning. When I asked her if I was free to go after the meeting, she said no. Really? Yes, really, I was required to either work a full day, use vacation hours or get approval from Boss to leave early.

I was floored. What kind of company expects an employee to continue working AFTER signing an official release agreement? Aside from the obvious, which was sending me back to my desk with access to every file at the company and the disaster I could potentially create, it seemed like cruel and unusual punishment. It created yet another dilemma for me, as I wasn’t about to go ask Boss for anything and I refused to use vacation hours on principle.

I finally caved and called Boss and told him he had to do something for him. It went like this:

Me: “I need a favor.”

Boss: “Oh yeah, what’s the favor?”

Me: “I need to be done at noon on Friday and you need to approve it.”

Boss: “Well, I don’t know if I can do that.”

Me: “Well, you know that documentation you want me to write? I don’t know if I can do that if you don’t approve this.”

Boss: “Alright, that’s fine.”

Me: “OK, thanks.”

So, leading up to Friday, I tried to make myself scarce. I worked at home on Wednesday and Thursday and pulled into the parking lot for the last time on Friday morning. I felt pretty sad and I was annoyed that I felt that way. A very large chapter in my life was coming to a close and I think it all hit me at once when I walked into the building for the final time.

Well, it didn’t take long for things to go awry. Even though I had specifically told my coworkers that I didn’t want any hoopla, they ignored my request and I suddenly found myself standing in the break room surrounded by 25 people. The Best Art Director Ever made me a cool magazine cover with my photo and hilarious cover lines tailored to my current situation, which I absolutely loved.

And then the whole ship of fools sailed in: Boss, Queen Bee, the Warden, the VP, and Cruella de Vil. My favorite peeps were there too, so it wasn’t just me and a room full of villains. Anyway, I had to stand at the front of the room and do the required speech. I couldn’t say what I really wanted to say, but not staying for the transition kind of spoke for itself. Then we all pretended to like each other and snacked on cookies and fancy candies. Oh, and Boss attempted to shake my hand. And the VP told me she respected my decision. And then I headed to HR Robot’s office for the exit interview and the official signing of the paperwork.

I thought I was getting the last word at Prison Media, but it turns out they saved the ultimate wow factor, the startling kick in the ass, if you will, until the very last few minutes of my employment. I walked, with an extra hippy hop in my step, into the meeting. My freedom was only minutes away when suddenly everything took a detour to crazy town…