What Happens in Vegas?

The Husband and I just returned from a trip to Vegas to celebrate our 10-year anniversary. (Yes, he's been putting up with me for a very long time!) Everyone knows the old "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" slogan. After visiting Vegas, I feel a strong urge to share some of the things that did, indeed, happen in Vegas. Also, it's always good to shed some light on popular myths, like the myth that there are free things in Vegas. There are not. In fact, things that appear free actually have a hefty price tag.

For starters, the myth of free drinks while gambling. If I have to spend $20 playing roulette to get a free drink, is it really free? Not so much. Every single aspect of the Vegas experience has been carefully planned by a financial genius. When I say you pay for everything, I mean everything. Consider the average hotel stay at a Holiday Inn Express, which typically includes free wireless internet, free computer use in the lobby, free breakfast, free use of a gym, coffee pot in the room and maybe a microwave and mini 'fridge too. Now, let's take a look at the same items at Bally's:

• Internet: $13.99 per 24 hours
• Computer in the lobby: $.25 per minute
• Coffee: $10 for a pot with 6 cups with a 30-minute wait time or a $3 cup of coffee in the lobby. By the slot machines. Coincidence?
• Use of gym: $22 for 24 hours

Now granted, you don't get the Vegas experience at a Holiday Inn Express in Omaha. So, if you don't actually go to Vegas, you don't get to learn these very important life lessons:

• If you look friendly and smile at old people, you'll end up with a digital camera in your face, hearing their life story through pictures. We actually met a woman with a dog named Keno. And she showed us at least 2 dozen pictures of her pets, her house, and her husband, whom she affectionately referred to as "Daddy."
• Just because you can see a sign or a building in the distance, doesn't mean it's close. For example, that pyramid down the street is actually 3 miles, not 3 BLOCKS, away.
• If you ever have to walk under a freeway overpass, be prepared to be knocked over by the stench of urine. And don't make eye contact with the people living in cardboard boxes at the top of the overpass.
• And if you're wondering why I know these things, please see bullet item #2. The In-N-Burger sign looked close, but you know... And yes, I would trek across the desert (or under a urine-soaked overpass) for my first Double-Double in 6 years.
• When crossing back over aforementioned overpass, if it looks like a hooker, it most definitely is a hooker.
• If anyone approaches you in a hotel and offers an insane amount of free stuff, tell them NO, you don't want to own a timeshare.
• When your husband looks he's about to plop his face in a plate of nachos, it's time to go home.
• An all-day food pass actually exists! $39.99 for all you can eat in 24 hours! Can anyone think of a better way to spend $40?!
• Hand sanitizer is a must. Even the Husband was eagerly using it by the end of the first day. Of course, I kept giving him one word prompts after touching escalator hand rails and cab doors, like "Hepatitis! Crabs! Scabies! Herpes!"
• I actually saw someone wearing a T-Shirt that said "I swear to Drunk I'm not God!" And no, I'm not dyslexic.
• Cross walks were invented for a reason.
• It takes 1 ambulance, 3 fire engines, and 4 policemen on bikes to tend to a drunk homeless man on the street corner. Hate to see what they bring out for a drunk high-roller who falls down on the street.

So there you have it, Vegas in a nutshell. Did we have fun? Hell yes! And did we stick to our promise to not discuss work, lack of work, Prison Media, India and what I'm going to do with my life? Absolutely. But, now that I'm back, it's game on! (And I don't mean that in a sports book sort of way...)