What Happens in Vegas?

The Husband and I just returned from a trip to Vegas to celebrate our 10-year anniversary. (Yes, he's been putting up with me for a very long time!) Everyone knows the old "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" slogan. After visiting Vegas, I feel a strong urge to share some of the things that did, indeed, happen in Vegas. Also, it's always good to shed some light on popular myths, like the myth that there are free things in Vegas. There are not. In fact, things that appear free actually have a hefty price tag.

For starters, the myth of free drinks while gambling. If I have to spend $20 playing roulette to get a free drink, is it really free? Not so much. Every single aspect of the Vegas experience has been carefully planned by a financial genius. When I say you pay for everything, I mean everything. Consider the average hotel stay at a Holiday Inn Express, which typically includes free wireless internet, free computer use in the lobby, free breakfast, free use of a gym, coffee pot in the room and maybe a microwave and mini 'fridge too. Now, let's take a look at the same items at Bally's:

• Internet: $13.99 per 24 hours
• Computer in the lobby: $.25 per minute
• Coffee: $10 for a pot with 6 cups with a 30-minute wait time or a $3 cup of coffee in the lobby. By the slot machines. Coincidence?
• Use of gym: $22 for 24 hours

Now granted, you don't get the Vegas experience at a Holiday Inn Express in Omaha. So, if you don't actually go to Vegas, you don't get to learn these very important life lessons:

• If you look friendly and smile at old people, you'll end up with a digital camera in your face, hearing their life story through pictures. We actually met a woman with a dog named Keno. And she showed us at least 2 dozen pictures of her pets, her house, and her husband, whom she affectionately referred to as "Daddy."
• Just because you can see a sign or a building in the distance, doesn't mean it's close. For example, that pyramid down the street is actually 3 miles, not 3 BLOCKS, away.
• If you ever have to walk under a freeway overpass, be prepared to be knocked over by the stench of urine. And don't make eye contact with the people living in cardboard boxes at the top of the overpass.
• And if you're wondering why I know these things, please see bullet item #2. The In-N-Burger sign looked close, but you know... And yes, I would trek across the desert (or under a urine-soaked overpass) for my first Double-Double in 6 years.
• When crossing back over aforementioned overpass, if it looks like a hooker, it most definitely is a hooker.
• If anyone approaches you in a hotel and offers an insane amount of free stuff, tell them NO, you don't want to own a timeshare.
• When your husband looks he's about to plop his face in a plate of nachos, it's time to go home.
• An all-day food pass actually exists! $39.99 for all you can eat in 24 hours! Can anyone think of a better way to spend $40?!
• Hand sanitizer is a must. Even the Husband was eagerly using it by the end of the first day. Of course, I kept giving him one word prompts after touching escalator hand rails and cab doors, like "Hepatitis! Crabs! Scabies! Herpes!"
• I actually saw someone wearing a T-Shirt that said "I swear to Drunk I'm not God!" And no, I'm not dyslexic.
• Cross walks were invented for a reason.
• It takes 1 ambulance, 3 fire engines, and 4 policemen on bikes to tend to a drunk homeless man on the street corner. Hate to see what they bring out for a drunk high-roller who falls down on the street.

So there you have it, Vegas in a nutshell. Did we have fun? Hell yes! And did we stick to our promise to not discuss work, lack of work, Prison Media, India and what I'm going to do with my life? Absolutely. But, now that I'm back, it's game on! (And I don't mean that in a sports book sort of way...)

Lose Yourself

Eminem was on 60 Minutes tonight. It's a well known secret that I love him. I love all things Michigan, actually. Here's a shout out to TC and all of my MI peeps! See you next summer!

While I do agree that Eminem is rude and crude and his language would make a truck driver blush, I find him inspiring. Do I let my kids listen to him? Of course not. Duh. But, when I'm in the car alone, I love to blast his music. And I do have a few favorites.

My favorite Eminem song is the obvious "Lose Yourself." The opening words are a constant reminder to keep reaching for the impossible and following my biggest dream.

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment

Would you capture it or just let it slip?

It's also a great reminder to see my current situation for what it is: An opportunity. And am I going to capture it? You better believe it.

My other favorite songs aren't really blog friendly, but I definitely love "Business" and "Sing For the Moment" from the Eminem Show and "I'm Not Afraid" is a new fave.

Another Michigan person I love is Mitch Albom. Mitch wrote an awesome column about Eminem a few years ago. The column was so awesome that I sent Mitch an email and told him I loved it. And this is why I love Mitch: HE WROTE ME BACK! I still have the email. It used to hang on my office wall. Now it hangs on my home office wall. Unfortunately, I can't find the column online, so I can't post a link.

In other Michigan news, the Lions won today, their first win of the season. And yesterday, Michigan State gave Michigan an old-fashioned butt-kicking. Overall, a great weekend for the great state of Michigan!

The Ultimate Corporate Trap

I have 10 corporate theories. I've covered a few of them so far, but the majority of them are still to come, as I'm developing the theories into actual blog posts. Of course, my favorite theory is The Promotion of Stupidity (http://kate-offtheclock.blogspot.com/2010/06/promotion-of-stupidity.html). A close second is The Ultimate Corporate Trap.

This theory could also be called the Paycheck Theory. Generally, in corporate America, one can count on a small raise each year, sometimes referred to as a cost of living raise. There are a couple of exceptions to this, of course. For example, Prison Media hasn't given raises to the little people in half a decade. Yes, it's true, even pre-Great Recession, the purse strings were bolted shut at the Prison. They called it a "temporary salary freeze" but I think it's about time to define the word "temporary" in this context. 'Cause temporary suddenly looks like forever.

But anyway, the theory is pretty basic. The corporation starts paying you enough to keep you there, but not enough to keep you happy. While it's true that money doesn't buy happiness, a big paycheck sure makes it a heck of a lot easier to "don't worry, be happy."

You start making enough money that if you left to pursue another job opportunity or a different career path, you'd most likely be facing a pay cut since you have a couple of years of seniority at your current job. This could also be a less is more theory. Example: Two years of less becomes more.

Then, there is also the fear of job loss, which is even more relevant in this crappy economy. What if you leave a job for a new job only to be laid off from the new job? If you had stayed at the old job, would you still be employed? These are real scenarios that I often ran through my head and I'm sure others do too.

It's no secret that the corporate landscape has changed forever during this economic downturn. And as a result of that, the employers have the upper hand and probably will for a very long time. Case in point: The number of jobs I see that want a college degree, experience and pay an astronomical $10/hour. It's absurd. But, it's also the new reality.

My new reality is pretty clear: I'm extremely blessed and lucky. I'm no longer trapped in a corporate job and my life is my own. And I have to keep reminding myself that I hated my job. It ruled my life and made me miserable. Someday, I might be able to thank Prison Media for doing me a favor. Just not quite yet!

Vomit Monster

Now that my kindergartener arrives home daily with stories of vomit, I've started to think about my favorite barf stories. Some of them aren't quite fit to be printed here (Mardi Gras, anyone?), but one of them most definitely is.

Back at the book publisher in the late 90s...

There was a temp named Paul who worked in the production department. Nice enough guy. Somewhat non-descript is how I would best describe him. He was maybe in his mid-30s, quiet, buttoned up. He sat in a cube around the corner from my cube. My cube was always very noisy: lots of people stopping by, music playing, the phone ringing, etc. Typically, if there was a ruckus, it was coming from my cube. Except for this one day.

All of the sudden, loud, like sonic-boom loud, dry heaving noises filled the air. It was so loud, that Jane, who was around the other corner from me, called me and said "What the hell are you doing over there?" Funny how she immediately thought it was me!

Turns out it was Paul and he was vomiting loud enough for the entire company to hear. In the trash can. In his cube. And he had apparently never thrown up before, as in between bucketfuls of vomit, he was yelling for someone to call 911 because he was convinced he was dying. And we all just stood there, kind of frozen, like kids playing the statue game. I mean really, who was going to go help a grown-up man blow chunks into the trash can? What could we do, put a cold washcloth on his head and give him sips of water? Our fearless leader finally stepped in and led him out the door, to her car, where she promptly drove him to the hospital. (He was fine, of course. Mild case of stomach flu.)

The rest of the time that poor, pukey Paul temped at the office, we all very politely referred to him as the Vomit Monster. It didn't take him long to request a new assignment from the temp agency. And it didn't take long for his story to become legend. I haven't seen most of my former coworkers in almost 12 years. But, I guarantee that all of them would be able to finish the story if I started with "Remember that time when Paul threw up at work?"