Pandemic=New Job for Kate

So, like many others, I’ve had my hours drastically reduced at my regular job and I decided to be proactive and find a part-time job until all of this blows over. I applied at a local big box store, was called the next day for an interview, went to the interview, was offered the job on the spot and just completed my orientation. 

Now, most who know me know that I like to find humor in everything I do. While this situation we are currently in is indeed serious, there is also much to still find amusing. And you know, laughter being the best medicine and all, I think it’s important to still laugh, even when times are uncertain.

I started this blog a decade ago, when my job was outsourced to India. I told that story, in its entirety, mainly because it was so unbelievable. I then moved over to corporate America tales, because I had a lot of them from my publishing career.

Then I started my own business and focused on that for 5 years. In July of 2019, my favorite client hired me full-time, and I found myself doing a job that I love with people that I love. The fact that all of that could be disappearing is too overwhelming for me to think about for too long, so I will put my energy into blogging about my new job. In new circumstances. In retail. Where, in the 2020 pandemic, I am now considered “essential.” Which really makes me wonder, if I wasn’t deemed “essential” before in my life, what the heck was I? Oh, don’t mind me, I’m the non-essential Mom who keeps this family running. 

Anyway, back to orientation we go. In the orientation room, there are 5 of us, plus the HR person running the orientation. I’m sizing everyone up because that’s what I do. Aside from the HR employee, I’m for sure the oldest person among the 5 of us. I immediately pick out the resident weirdo, because there is most certainly always one amongst us. One person has on gloves. The rest of us do not. One person keeps moving further and further away from the table and the rest of us. We are finally ready to begin and are asked to introduce ourselves and state why we wanted to work at the Big Box Store. I go first. 

“Hi, I’m Kate. I recently had my hours reduced at my regular job and needed to find something part-time. I’ve always liked shopping here, so I decided to apply.”

Easy enough, yes? 

Next person states that he is a student and was working for a local college and needed to find something since the college campus is now closed and he lost his income. 

Still easy enough, yes? Not so fast.

Next person announces to the group that she is going through a nasty divorce and is in the middle of an ugly custody battle and is not sure if she should hand the kids off to the ex this weekend since the courts are closed. What should I do, she asks?

Blank stares.

She continues to tell us more about her life and then reveals that she was a wait-person at a local restaurant that has now permanently closed, so she needed to find a job quickly.

OK, too much info at the beginning, but she saved it at the end and got back on track, so we are good. Until…the next person starts talking.

The next person is who I pegged as the resident weirdo. And good Lord, she did not disappoint. She begins by announcing that she has a child who was conceived via in vitro.

SHE TELLS A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS THAT SHE HAD A CHILD VIA IN VITRO.

Immediately I think to myself “I should ask for a rebuttal at the end and say “Kate again, forgot to mention that I have 2 kids who were conceived the old-fashioned way. That’s all.”

Anyway, back to the weirdo. She then lists off 10-12 places she has worked (I honestly lost count) and concludes with a too-long story about how she always wanted to be a baker and finally got a job at a bagel shop as a baker and OMG, IT WAS TOO STRESSFUL AND I HAD TO QUIT! So that is why I am here, at the Big Box Store.

AKWARD SILENCE.

STILL AKWARD SILENCE.

Last person finally goes, introduces herself and tells us that she lives an hour away and is not sure the drive will be worth it, but she’s going to give it a whirl.

Me, stealing a glance at the HR person and doing a Jedi mind trick on her “These are not the people you’re looking for.”

Next step, go to employee computers with our new employee numbers and get a login/password set up. Easy enough task, yes?

Um, in theory, yes. In reality, NO.

Person who lives an hour away is sharing a computer with me. And holy hell, she is not keeping 6 feet between us. Have you not heard of SOCIAL DISTANCING? Well, I had never heard of it before last week either, but it’s currently the most used phrase in America. Learn it. Live it. Know it. (In all seriousness, I could care less how close someone sits to me. But if you cough or sneeze on me, I promise I’m going to jail.)

So, other person starts on the computer. The steps are:

1.     Enter new employee number.
2.     Make a password using the provided criteria.
3.     Hit Enter.
4.     Go back to main page and login in with new credentials.

Other person follows Step 1. Check.

Step 2: Fail. She says to me: “Why won't this work?” I say “See the red exclamation point? You didn’t use all of the requirements for your password.”

Step 2 again: Success.

Step 3: Success.

Step 4: Fail. Fail. Fail. Three strikes and you are out.

For those keeping up, she made a password and then 10 seconds later couldn’t recall said password and locked herself out from 3 failed attempts. FACE PALM.

Calls over orientation leader and states what happened. Orientation leader, visibly annoyed with a WTF expression on her face, says “Well, we are going to have to call corporate IT to get you unlocked.” She then tells me to get on the computer and follow the steps. Boom. Done. She then asks me if I can help the others. Um, sure.

Orientation leader disappears with failed password chick and I start running the orientation. When she returns, all of us are done with all required paperwork. I’m beginning to wonder how long they will have me folding clothes as my job…

So, the rest of the class is OK. We get our schedules, take a store tour and take some online classes (Resident Weirdo can’t pass the alcohol sales class and after 8 failed attempts on the test, the orientation leader essentially gives her the answers so she can continue with her training). To be clear, both of my kids could’ve passed that test on the first try and not because they are familiar with alcohol sales, but because they are familiar with reading.  And comprehension. I digress.

So, off I go. Tomorrow is my first shift at the Big Box Store. I have no idea what to expect. Heck, I don't even really know how I feel about this. But, I do know one thing: If orientation was any indication, I’m going to have a TON of great stories, and that will help me get through this phase of my life.  And hopefully I can make others laugh in the process.

And for anyone who is wondering, NO, I DO NOT GET DIBS ON TP.

Be well and stay tuned…