End Game.

Does anyone else feel mentally and physically exhausted right now? 

The propaganda, the stupid phrases, the constant lecturing. The unavoidable, in-your-face madness EVERYWHERE you go. The speculation and worst-case scenario narrative that refuses to see anything positive.  The unending “I heard from Jim who heard from Ted who heard from Mary’s sister’s neighbor’s boyfriend” elementary telephone game. The floor decals, the great mask debate, the “if you don’t believe what I define as science you deserve to catch this” nonsense. The tattling, constant shaming, in your business craziness. The realization that reading something on the internet gives some people “expert” knowledge and permission to “educate” others. The never-ending, ever-changing lists of regulations, rules and guidelines, each one crazier than the one before. Stay-at-home “orders” that defy logic and common sense. Hand washing, sanitizing, antibacterial everything. Food shortages, grocery hoarders, mass panic bullshit. Name-calling, insult-throwing, know-it-all internet trolls. Daily briefings, press conferences, “journalism” and agenda-driven stupidity. Lost moments, forgotten milestones, missed events and canceled celebrations. 

Maintain six feet of separation? Six feet under and six feet tall are the only ways I want to hear six feet used in a sentence for the rest of my life. And then there is the question I have been asking since March and is still unanswered: What, exactly, is our end game? And when we finally figure that out, what will be the unfixable, unchangeable, never-able-to-recover-from consequences?

Make good choices. Be kind and compassionate. Mind your own business.

It’s May now. I have opinions and observations. 

I have many favorite things about this current situation. And by favorite, I of course mean completely asinine and ridiculous things that are making me lose my mind…

Let me use my reverse Black Friday analogy. “What is that,” you ask, intrigued?

Leading up to Black Friday, all of the conversations go like this:

“Did you see that Walmart has the XBOX for $249?”

“Target has the best deals on big screen TVs!”

“Best Buy is the place to go for Chromebooks!”

Only now, it’s like this:

“I cannot believe that I saw 3 people without masks at Walmart! They should kick those people out!”

“Target is not enforcing social distancing. Someone was standing 5.5 feet from me in the produce department!”

“Why is Best Buy even open?! They are so NOT essential!”

Some people are reporting on this stuff literally hourly. Like it’s their job. 

And then factor in the single worst social media website in the history of the Al Gore-invented internet, Next Door, and you’ll be convinced that these are actual jobs. The way people are taking such pride in shaming and lecturing others and spewing all of their “expert” knowledge is disturbing. I, for one, am shocked by the number of pandemic experts I know. I mean, how have I not realized before that literally everyone around me is a scientist? Never mind that Beeker from the Muppets is more capable than some of these morons, they are sure THEY ARE RIGHT. AND YOU ARE WRONG.

I believe I have said from the beginning that this situation is bringing out the absolute worst in humanity. I stand behind that. I mean, just several months ago, how many of you could have imagined a scenario where your neighbors would call the cops because you had 6 people in your backyard, which is 1 more than the “allowed” 5? And not only that, but we also have the birth of the Tattle Bragger and they are the worst. They tattle on their neighbors and then brag about it on the previously mentioned website. And then other Tattle Braggers applaud them. They are like a cult of pretentious tattletales. And remember the Brady Bunch episode where Cindy is told “Nobody likes a tattletale?” Well, apparently in 2020, the world has completely lost its mind and now people love tattletales. Me? I still prefer to live by the “Snitches get stitches” battle cry. But that is just me.

This month we also tried to get back to some semi-normal living and decided it was time to camp. And by camp, I mean take out our enclosed camper, with its own bathroom, for a weekend. No shared space here, only the 4 of us in the camper. After searching a bit, we finally found an open campground and decided to get away for the weekend with some friends.  We booked a reservation in Wyoming and then the Wyoming governor decided not to open the state parks after all. False alarm! But, not being people to give up easily, we found another campground in Western Colorado and booked 2 sites for the weekend. We headed out of town on Friday morning, ready for a peaceful weekend of campfires, cold beer, the great outdoors and good conversation. And if that was how the weekend unfolded, I would not be writing this.

We checked into the campground without incident and got everything set up. The campground was at capacity and there were clear rules to follow: No public restrooms, no more than 5 people around a campfire, social distancing, etc. We made dinner and were just setting up a campfire when we spotted an officer of the law in another campsite. Hmmm, what is going on over there? Maybe they have too many people around the campfire? Well, the next thing you know, the Sherriff is standing in our campsite asking if he can speak to us for a few minutes. He then proceeds to explain that the campground opened up without the permission of Pitkin County and everyone needed to leave. We are all looking at each other like “Is he for real?” And I’m thinking “It’s 8 pm, we are 4 hours from home and every adult has been drinking.” He must have read my mind because the next thing out of his mouth was “It wouldn’t be a very safe decision to require everyone to leave on a Friday night, so you have until tomorrow at 11AM to vacate the property.”

In his defense, he seemed to think that the entire thing was stupid. He noted how we were all in our own space, with our own bathroom, and asking us to leave seemed a little extreme. But, as he noted, “I have to enforce the law.”

So, the next morning, the campground manager came around and told us we could relocate to a sister campground about 30 miles away and the fee would be comped, along with a complete refund for Friday night. If there is anything I love more than camping, it’s free camping!

Off we went! 

We arrived at the new campground, in another county, and it was a completely different story. The restrooms were open, no one was wearing masks and there were no social distancing rules. (By the way, I absolutely despise the term “social distancing.”) And therein lies the issue with this whole situation: Wherever you go, the “rules” are different. There is no uniform response to the pandemic. And since there is no uniform response, how are we supposed to know what rules apply where? What is open and what is not? It’s like driving down a road in the middle of nowhere where the speed limit keeps changing every 2 miles.

My other favorite thing right now are the righteous, morally superior minions announcing, proudly “If you don't wear a mask in public, you deserve to get COVID and die.” Yes, that is an actual thing. It’s a disturbing thing, but it's real. Is this what we have become as a society? Judging people and wishing death on them when we know nothing about their situation? It’s very alarming, to say the least. And to those people, I have one word and one word only: Karma.

And that is where I am at the moment. Which brings me to the title of this post and how I’m currently trying to live:

Make good choices. Be kind and compassionate. Mind my own business. 

Notice that Judge Others and Wish Death on People are not on my list. Maybe think long and hard if those things are on your list and adjust accordingly. Is that who you really want to be? I want to come out of this better than we were before. At the moment, we look like a society on the decline and that is very concerning. 

Be well. 

Pandemic=New Job for Kate

So, like many others, I’ve had my hours drastically reduced at my regular job and I decided to be proactive and find a part-time job until all of this blows over. I applied at a local big box store, was called the next day for an interview, went to the interview, was offered the job on the spot and just completed my orientation. 

Now, most who know me know that I like to find humor in everything I do. While this situation we are currently in is indeed serious, there is also much to still find amusing. And you know, laughter being the best medicine and all, I think it’s important to still laugh, even when times are uncertain.

I started this blog a decade ago, when my job was outsourced to India. I told that story, in its entirety, mainly because it was so unbelievable. I then moved over to corporate America tales, because I had a lot of them from my publishing career.

Then I started my own business and focused on that for 5 years. In July of 2019, my favorite client hired me full-time, and I found myself doing a job that I love with people that I love. The fact that all of that could be disappearing is too overwhelming for me to think about for too long, so I will put my energy into blogging about my new job. In new circumstances. In retail. Where, in the 2020 pandemic, I am now considered “essential.” Which really makes me wonder, if I wasn’t deemed “essential” before in my life, what the heck was I? Oh, don’t mind me, I’m the non-essential Mom who keeps this family running. 

Anyway, back to orientation we go. In the orientation room, there are 5 of us, plus the HR person running the orientation. I’m sizing everyone up because that’s what I do. Aside from the HR employee, I’m for sure the oldest person among the 5 of us. I immediately pick out the resident weirdo, because there is most certainly always one amongst us. One person has on gloves. The rest of us do not. One person keeps moving further and further away from the table and the rest of us. We are finally ready to begin and are asked to introduce ourselves and state why we wanted to work at the Big Box Store. I go first. 

“Hi, I’m Kate. I recently had my hours reduced at my regular job and needed to find something part-time. I’ve always liked shopping here, so I decided to apply.”

Easy enough, yes? 

Next person states that he is a student and was working for a local college and needed to find something since the college campus is now closed and he lost his income. 

Still easy enough, yes? Not so fast.

Next person announces to the group that she is going through a nasty divorce and is in the middle of an ugly custody battle and is not sure if she should hand the kids off to the ex this weekend since the courts are closed. What should I do, she asks?

Blank stares.

She continues to tell us more about her life and then reveals that she was a wait-person at a local restaurant that has now permanently closed, so she needed to find a job quickly.

OK, too much info at the beginning, but she saved it at the end and got back on track, so we are good. Until…the next person starts talking.

The next person is who I pegged as the resident weirdo. And good Lord, she did not disappoint. She begins by announcing that she has a child who was conceived via in vitro.

SHE TELLS A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS THAT SHE HAD A CHILD VIA IN VITRO.

Immediately I think to myself “I should ask for a rebuttal at the end and say “Kate again, forgot to mention that I have 2 kids who were conceived the old-fashioned way. That’s all.”

Anyway, back to the weirdo. She then lists off 10-12 places she has worked (I honestly lost count) and concludes with a too-long story about how she always wanted to be a baker and finally got a job at a bagel shop as a baker and OMG, IT WAS TOO STRESSFUL AND I HAD TO QUIT! So that is why I am here, at the Big Box Store.

AKWARD SILENCE.

STILL AKWARD SILENCE.

Last person finally goes, introduces herself and tells us that she lives an hour away and is not sure the drive will be worth it, but she’s going to give it a whirl.

Me, stealing a glance at the HR person and doing a Jedi mind trick on her “These are not the people you’re looking for.”

Next step, go to employee computers with our new employee numbers and get a login/password set up. Easy enough task, yes?

Um, in theory, yes. In reality, NO.

Person who lives an hour away is sharing a computer with me. And holy hell, she is not keeping 6 feet between us. Have you not heard of SOCIAL DISTANCING? Well, I had never heard of it before last week either, but it’s currently the most used phrase in America. Learn it. Live it. Know it. (In all seriousness, I could care less how close someone sits to me. But if you cough or sneeze on me, I promise I’m going to jail.)

So, other person starts on the computer. The steps are:

1.     Enter new employee number.
2.     Make a password using the provided criteria.
3.     Hit Enter.
4.     Go back to main page and login in with new credentials.

Other person follows Step 1. Check.

Step 2: Fail. She says to me: “Why won't this work?” I say “See the red exclamation point? You didn’t use all of the requirements for your password.”

Step 2 again: Success.

Step 3: Success.

Step 4: Fail. Fail. Fail. Three strikes and you are out.

For those keeping up, she made a password and then 10 seconds later couldn’t recall said password and locked herself out from 3 failed attempts. FACE PALM.

Calls over orientation leader and states what happened. Orientation leader, visibly annoyed with a WTF expression on her face, says “Well, we are going to have to call corporate IT to get you unlocked.” She then tells me to get on the computer and follow the steps. Boom. Done. She then asks me if I can help the others. Um, sure.

Orientation leader disappears with failed password chick and I start running the orientation. When she returns, all of us are done with all required paperwork. I’m beginning to wonder how long they will have me folding clothes as my job…

So, the rest of the class is OK. We get our schedules, take a store tour and take some online classes (Resident Weirdo can’t pass the alcohol sales class and after 8 failed attempts on the test, the orientation leader essentially gives her the answers so she can continue with her training). To be clear, both of my kids could’ve passed that test on the first try and not because they are familiar with alcohol sales, but because they are familiar with reading.  And comprehension. I digress.

So, off I go. Tomorrow is my first shift at the Big Box Store. I have no idea what to expect. Heck, I don't even really know how I feel about this. But, I do know one thing: If orientation was any indication, I’m going to have a TON of great stories, and that will help me get through this phase of my life.  And hopefully I can make others laugh in the process.

And for anyone who is wondering, NO, I DO NOT GET DIBS ON TP.

Be well and stay tuned…