What Happens in Vegas?

The Husband and I just returned from a trip to Vegas to celebrate our 10-year anniversary. (Yes, he's been putting up with me for a very long time!) Everyone knows the old "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" slogan. After visiting Vegas, I feel a strong urge to share some of the things that did, indeed, happen in Vegas. Also, it's always good to shed some light on popular myths, like the myth that there are free things in Vegas. There are not. In fact, things that appear free actually have a hefty price tag.

For starters, the myth of free drinks while gambling. If I have to spend $20 playing roulette to get a free drink, is it really free? Not so much. Every single aspect of the Vegas experience has been carefully planned by a financial genius. When I say you pay for everything, I mean everything. Consider the average hotel stay at a Holiday Inn Express, which typically includes free wireless internet, free computer use in the lobby, free breakfast, free use of a gym, coffee pot in the room and maybe a microwave and mini 'fridge too. Now, let's take a look at the same items at Bally's:

• Internet: $13.99 per 24 hours
• Computer in the lobby: $.25 per minute
• Coffee: $10 for a pot with 6 cups with a 30-minute wait time or a $3 cup of coffee in the lobby. By the slot machines. Coincidence?
• Use of gym: $22 for 24 hours

Now granted, you don't get the Vegas experience at a Holiday Inn Express in Omaha. So, if you don't actually go to Vegas, you don't get to learn these very important life lessons:

• If you look friendly and smile at old people, you'll end up with a digital camera in your face, hearing their life story through pictures. We actually met a woman with a dog named Keno. And she showed us at least 2 dozen pictures of her pets, her house, and her husband, whom she affectionately referred to as "Daddy."
• Just because you can see a sign or a building in the distance, doesn't mean it's close. For example, that pyramid down the street is actually 3 miles, not 3 BLOCKS, away.
• If you ever have to walk under a freeway overpass, be prepared to be knocked over by the stench of urine. And don't make eye contact with the people living in cardboard boxes at the top of the overpass.
• And if you're wondering why I know these things, please see bullet item #2. The In-N-Burger sign looked close, but you know... And yes, I would trek across the desert (or under a urine-soaked overpass) for my first Double-Double in 6 years.
• When crossing back over aforementioned overpass, if it looks like a hooker, it most definitely is a hooker.
• If anyone approaches you in a hotel and offers an insane amount of free stuff, tell them NO, you don't want to own a timeshare.
• When your husband looks he's about to plop his face in a plate of nachos, it's time to go home.
• An all-day food pass actually exists! $39.99 for all you can eat in 24 hours! Can anyone think of a better way to spend $40?!
• Hand sanitizer is a must. Even the Husband was eagerly using it by the end of the first day. Of course, I kept giving him one word prompts after touching escalator hand rails and cab doors, like "Hepatitis! Crabs! Scabies! Herpes!"
• I actually saw someone wearing a T-Shirt that said "I swear to Drunk I'm not God!" And no, I'm not dyslexic.
• Cross walks were invented for a reason.
• It takes 1 ambulance, 3 fire engines, and 4 policemen on bikes to tend to a drunk homeless man on the street corner. Hate to see what they bring out for a drunk high-roller who falls down on the street.

So there you have it, Vegas in a nutshell. Did we have fun? Hell yes! And did we stick to our promise to not discuss work, lack of work, Prison Media, India and what I'm going to do with my life? Absolutely. But, now that I'm back, it's game on! (And I don't mean that in a sports book sort of way...)

Lose Yourself

Eminem was on 60 Minutes tonight. It's a well known secret that I love him. I love all things Michigan, actually. Here's a shout out to TC and all of my MI peeps! See you next summer!

While I do agree that Eminem is rude and crude and his language would make a truck driver blush, I find him inspiring. Do I let my kids listen to him? Of course not. Duh. But, when I'm in the car alone, I love to blast his music. And I do have a few favorites.

My favorite Eminem song is the obvious "Lose Yourself." The opening words are a constant reminder to keep reaching for the impossible and following my biggest dream.

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment

Would you capture it or just let it slip?

It's also a great reminder to see my current situation for what it is: An opportunity. And am I going to capture it? You better believe it.

My other favorite songs aren't really blog friendly, but I definitely love "Business" and "Sing For the Moment" from the Eminem Show and "I'm Not Afraid" is a new fave.

Another Michigan person I love is Mitch Albom. Mitch wrote an awesome column about Eminem a few years ago. The column was so awesome that I sent Mitch an email and told him I loved it. And this is why I love Mitch: HE WROTE ME BACK! I still have the email. It used to hang on my office wall. Now it hangs on my home office wall. Unfortunately, I can't find the column online, so I can't post a link.

In other Michigan news, the Lions won today, their first win of the season. And yesterday, Michigan State gave Michigan an old-fashioned butt-kicking. Overall, a great weekend for the great state of Michigan!

The Ultimate Corporate Trap

I have 10 corporate theories. I've covered a few of them so far, but the majority of them are still to come, as I'm developing the theories into actual blog posts. Of course, my favorite theory is The Promotion of Stupidity (http://kate-offtheclock.blogspot.com/2010/06/promotion-of-stupidity.html). A close second is The Ultimate Corporate Trap.

This theory could also be called the Paycheck Theory. Generally, in corporate America, one can count on a small raise each year, sometimes referred to as a cost of living raise. There are a couple of exceptions to this, of course. For example, Prison Media hasn't given raises to the little people in half a decade. Yes, it's true, even pre-Great Recession, the purse strings were bolted shut at the Prison. They called it a "temporary salary freeze" but I think it's about time to define the word "temporary" in this context. 'Cause temporary suddenly looks like forever.

But anyway, the theory is pretty basic. The corporation starts paying you enough to keep you there, but not enough to keep you happy. While it's true that money doesn't buy happiness, a big paycheck sure makes it a heck of a lot easier to "don't worry, be happy."

You start making enough money that if you left to pursue another job opportunity or a different career path, you'd most likely be facing a pay cut since you have a couple of years of seniority at your current job. This could also be a less is more theory. Example: Two years of less becomes more.

Then, there is also the fear of job loss, which is even more relevant in this crappy economy. What if you leave a job for a new job only to be laid off from the new job? If you had stayed at the old job, would you still be employed? These are real scenarios that I often ran through my head and I'm sure others do too.

It's no secret that the corporate landscape has changed forever during this economic downturn. And as a result of that, the employers have the upper hand and probably will for a very long time. Case in point: The number of jobs I see that want a college degree, experience and pay an astronomical $10/hour. It's absurd. But, it's also the new reality.

My new reality is pretty clear: I'm extremely blessed and lucky. I'm no longer trapped in a corporate job and my life is my own. And I have to keep reminding myself that I hated my job. It ruled my life and made me miserable. Someday, I might be able to thank Prison Media for doing me a favor. Just not quite yet!

Vomit Monster

Now that my kindergartener arrives home daily with stories of vomit, I've started to think about my favorite barf stories. Some of them aren't quite fit to be printed here (Mardi Gras, anyone?), but one of them most definitely is.

Back at the book publisher in the late 90s...

There was a temp named Paul who worked in the production department. Nice enough guy. Somewhat non-descript is how I would best describe him. He was maybe in his mid-30s, quiet, buttoned up. He sat in a cube around the corner from my cube. My cube was always very noisy: lots of people stopping by, music playing, the phone ringing, etc. Typically, if there was a ruckus, it was coming from my cube. Except for this one day.

All of the sudden, loud, like sonic-boom loud, dry heaving noises filled the air. It was so loud, that Jane, who was around the other corner from me, called me and said "What the hell are you doing over there?" Funny how she immediately thought it was me!

Turns out it was Paul and he was vomiting loud enough for the entire company to hear. In the trash can. In his cube. And he had apparently never thrown up before, as in between bucketfuls of vomit, he was yelling for someone to call 911 because he was convinced he was dying. And we all just stood there, kind of frozen, like kids playing the statue game. I mean really, who was going to go help a grown-up man blow chunks into the trash can? What could we do, put a cold washcloth on his head and give him sips of water? Our fearless leader finally stepped in and led him out the door, to her car, where she promptly drove him to the hospital. (He was fine, of course. Mild case of stomach flu.)

The rest of the time that poor, pukey Paul temped at the office, we all very politely referred to him as the Vomit Monster. It didn't take him long to request a new assignment from the temp agency. And it didn't take long for his story to become legend. I haven't seen most of my former coworkers in almost 12 years. But, I guarantee that all of them would be able to finish the story if I started with "Remember that time when Paul threw up at work?"

"Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free."

Sooooo, after that last post about finally feeling better, would anyone believe that I actually got sicker? Yep, it's true. A chest X-Ray revealed pneumonia, so I went back on an antibiotic and spent many days on the couch. While on the couch, I decided to put my down time to good use and I read a couple of really great books.

The first one is "Rebound: A Proven Plan for Starting Over After Job Loss."

Let me just say that the opening chapter of this book spoke to me. It's almost like the author peeked into my brain and stole my thoughts. And it made me realize something important: Job loss is very difficult on your psyche. I don't care who you are or what you do for a living, having it all disappear at the snap of a finger is a difficult roadblock to get past. It's been 10 months and I'm still struggling with my failure to bring home a steady paycheck. Granted, I'm harder on myself that the average person, but it's still feels like I'm not contributing to our household and that is tough to deal with. As Chapter 1 so effectively points out, a crisis in self-worth comes along with a layoff. This is something that can't be fully understood until it happens to you. Trust me. (The rest of the book is good too, I highly recommend it.)

The second book, "Accidental Genius: Using Writing to Generate Your Best Ideas, Insight, and Content" spoke to me in an entirely different way. It gave me hope that I can write my way to a better future. I need hope right now because I'm feeling especially discouraged. I continue to struggle with knowing that I did everything right in my career, and yet I still ended up here: Unemployed. Eventually, I'm going to refer to myself as self-employed, as I it has a much better ring to it, yes?

The Husband's favorite movie is "The Shawshank Redemption." We have a giant, official movie poster of it hanging in our upstairs hallway. The slogan on it says "Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free." I need to start living by those words. Maybe it's true that the only thing holding me back is me. I've been given this incredible opportunity, really. What I do with it is solely up to me. So, I guess that's where I am right now. I'm trying to figure out my next great move; my next step up on the career ladder. Because I'm only going up from here. I'm completely open to ideas, so if you have any, please send 'em my way.

As always, thanks for reading. It really does mean a lot to me and keeps me inspired to keep writing.

Sick Times

Well, it's been a long couple of weeks over here, which has resulted in me neglecting my blog. But, the storm has passed, so I'm back. Ironically, Kate has been ON the clock a lot lately, which is a good thing, as the clock is now set to my own time. And I alone reap the rewards of being on the clock.

I think I've established through older posts that there are certain things that I miss about my old, crappy job: paycheck, coworkers, lunch plans and having adults to talk to on a regular basis.

Well, after the last two weeks, I'm now adding a new item to that list: SICK DAYS.

While freelancing is fabulous and a great fit for me, I definitely miss being able to call in sick when I am, in fact, sick. Just like there's no crying in baseball, there are no sick days when freelancing. As luck would have it, I caught a cold from the germy kindergarten class that quickly morphed into near pneumonia. Normally, this wouldn't be that big of a deal. But it just so happens that the timing was about as horrendous as getting the stomach flu on the subway.

Why was the timing so awful? After months and months of looking for freelance work, I managed to pull in 3 months worth of work in 2 weeks. So, it's been chaos for the last 2 weeks, as I haven't had time to do anything but sleep and work and cough and sneeze. Now, I love to work and I find deadlines to be a complete rush. When I'm healthy. Totally different story when I feel like a semi-truck is parked on my chest. For the first time since last year, I actually missed something that my old job offered. And looking back, I didn't fully utilize my sick days. If you have sick days, stop and think about whether or not you're getting the most out of that benefit. And if you aren't, change that, pronto!

In 15 years in the work force, I can only think of a few times that I called in sick when I wasn't actually sick. One time, I called in sick from another state, as I was just having too much fun to drive the 6 hours back home. Another time, I called in sick to watch a 90210 Marathon. And the morning after the 1998 Seinfeld finale party, I definitely called in hungover, which is a form of sick, I suppose. And I think that's it as far as abusing the sick days. Looking back, what the hell was I thinking? Sick days are use 'em or lose 'em and I so should have been using 'em!

The Husband has several very funny stories about calling in sick. He worked as a recruiter for a staffing agency for many years, so one can imagine what he encountered. He still laughs about the woman who came in to apply for a job wearing a shirt that said "I used up all my sick days so I called in dead to work." True story. Another true story is the guy who called in sick from a local strip club. Gotta love caller ID!

What's that saying, "All is well that ends well"? I guess it's true. I'm finally feeling better and 90% of my work is done and billed. Next month will be awesome when all of the checks start showing up in my mailbox. And for the record, one of the jobs I landed was the direct result of having my resume on a jobs web site. Seriously, that really works? Apparently, yes.

God bless antibiotics. Good night.

Groceries Galore

Disclaimer: This post doesn't really relate to corporate America, but it's too funny to not share.

So, this weekend has been jammed packed full of parties, sporting events, out of town company and freelance work and by 3 p.m. today, I was pretty spent. I was trying to catch a few winks on the couch and asked The Husband to wake me in 15 minutes so I could go to the grocery store. That's when he made this blog-worthy statement: "If you have a list, I'll go to the store."

Now, it must first be stated that I am a grocery shopping fanatic. I organize my list in the same way the store is organized, so there isn't any backtracking, which makes for a very efficient shopping trip. I'm a coupon lunatic and all of the cashiers at the store know me and my coupons. I also look at every item on my receipt and go back for a refund if I find discrepancies. And truth be told, the first morning the kids were both at school at the same time, I went...grocery shopping! Alone! I guess I know how starved for adult conversation I am when talking to the King Soopers employees is the highlight of my day. Seriously.

One can imagine my dilemma. On the one hand, I was exhausted and I was dreading going to the store. On the other hand, I could just picture The Husband, wandering around, lost, confused, and just out of his element. I mean really, the husbands are so easy to pick out at the store!

I finally agreed, but only after he announced "I'll take The Girl with me, she knows where everything is!"

I reworked the list and added *VERY* specific notes to each item, like "check the date" next to pitas and "in the produce section" next to lemon juice. I even agreed to forgo the coupons on this trip. And off they went.

As soon as they were out the door, I noticed The Husband's cell phone on the counter and knew that was going to be a problem. Sure enough, after laying down for all of 10 minutes, the phone rings and the very ominous "King Soopers" shows up on the caller ID. Hmmm...

Me: "What's wrong?"

Him: "I'm at the courtesy counter and I have questions!"

Me: "OK, what's up?"

Him: "What does 2 cans of Campbell's nacho cheese soup mean?"

Me: "Really, you're asking me that? It means BUY 2 cans of Campbell's nacho cheese soup."

Him: "They don't sell that."

Me: "Yes, they do. Soup aisle, right side, top of the shelf."

Him: "Well, I couldn't find it. But I'll look again. Now, what kind of pull-ups should I buy? I have two different packages up here. One has a boy on it and one has a girl on it and how much does The Boy weigh?"

Me: "Huggies Over-Night Pull-Ups. Size 3T-4T, with a boy on the package, since they're for our SON to wear at NIGHT." (This was all on the note, of course.)

Him: "They don't have those."

Me: "Yes, they do. Go back and look." (I'm starting to wonder why the grocery store has suddenly stopped carrying the items I've been buying weekly for years!)

Him: "OK, bye!"

About 15 minutes later, my two shoppers arrive back at home. I start unpacking the bags and notice the following:

1. The pull-ups aren't the over night ones.
2. The pitas have an expiration date of tomorrow.
3. There is a stuffed giraffe in one of the bags. (! I KNOW that wasn't on the list!)
4. The Girl is now hiding a stuffed lion in her arms. (Again, !)
5. Donuts! (I'm OK with that one.)

Then, before I can say anything about what I've discovered, The Girl announces "Daddy dropped a jar of salsa at the check out and it broke!"

And then The Husband says "Well, they gave me another one for free!"

Suddenly I'm picturing "Mr. Mom" and I can hear that annoying grocery store woman yelling "Irv, clean-up at the check-out!"

I started inquiring about the above items and The Husband says "If you're going to scrutinize every single thing, I'm never going to the store again."

I don't really think that questioning the need for stuffed zoo animals qualifies as scrutinizing, but whatever.

In the end, The Husband left to get me a Starbucks so all is well in the universe again. But, I'm pretty sure that he'll never be allowed to grocery shop again. Unless I'm out of town. Or sick.

I have to make a couple of returns tomorrow, so I'll be sure to tell Cheryl at the service desk all about our shopping adventure. And I know she'll laugh!